I got my hair highlighted for the first time in over a year considering I found out last March I was pregnant with Gabriel. As expected, talking about Gabriel remains more awkward for others than it is for me. “Aw, congratulations on your baby!” the hairdresser said. “Thank you”, I replied.
But, how do I talk about him without making people uncomfortable? How do I not become that sad and kind of pathetic person who blurts out, “Thank you, but he died”. But that’s what I do, because I am really freaking awkward. So maybe I am sad. And pathetic. Maybe I’m subconsciously trying to prove that I am still here, that I can laugh and smile and be excited about getting my hair done even though I had a baby who didn’t come home with me.
I want to talk about him. Even if talking about his birth means talking about his death, it’s better than neglecting his existence. I want to be able to tell people that I have had three kids, even if only two of them are here with me now. I don’t want people to be uncomfortable and I certainly don’t want them to feel bad for me. I don’t need the pity or the sympathy. I don’t crave attention. But I want to tell his story. I want to share my journey because I know this path is not unique to us. There are thousands of families who have walked it with us, and thousands more who will.
I was that person who could never, and would never, understand what grieving parents went through. I didn’t know what to say or to do for people whose lives were complicated by the tremendous grief of losing their child.
But here I am. I know what it’s like because I’ve experienced it. I am experiencing it. And I’m okay. There is life after loss. Maybe it’s not as full, or as busy. Maybe there are still days of sorrow, regret and heartache. And maybe it takes days, or even weeks to get out of bed and not feel like those are your predominant feelings. Eventually, the thought of the world continuing to turn despite your loss will no longer infuriate you. And slowly, you will pick yourself up and start living your life again. You will acclimate to your new normal and pretty soon you’ll feel comfortable enough to blurt out to a perfect stranger that you just lost your baby, but that it’s okay, because today you’re focusing on yourself. Today you’re embracing the fact that in order to be the best mom to your kids, you have to be happy and healthy. Today, you’re not giving into the notion that since you just lost a baby you’re supposed to be miserable. Today, you’re trying to see yourself as the amazing, resilient and strong person that everyone else sees you as. Because maybe, just maybe, all those people are right.