Christmas

These are among the most magical years for Christmas. Maxwell is all about Santa, presents and the magic. I want so badly to soak it all up because I know these times are fleeting. But this year, I am having a hard time. Well, I wasn’t, but now that I’m sitting here on Christmas morning without my husband, without a visit from Santa, and without the new baby we so badly wanted, I can’t bring myself to be happy or excited. We knew Barry wasn’t going to be home for Christmas. We’ve been planning for Santa to make a special trip to our house as soon as he’s back. As grateful as we are for the USCG and how much it has given us, it’s hard to look past all of the things it also takes away. It takes away our daddy and our husband on holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and funerals. It takes away our ability to be together on days like today where I’m sure he needs us just as much as we need him. I feel lucky that I get to be here, at home with our kids on Christmas because Barry doesn’t. But selfishly, I really want him here so that I don’t feel like I’m bearing the weight of being a newly bereaved parent on Christmas, alone, without the ability to even pretend that everything is okay. I didn’t actually think I would feel this sad today. I truly thought I would be able to pretend it was just another day, since we are having our Christmas celebration sometime in the next few weeks. But sitting here in this moment, all I can think about and feel is the emptiness and how I long for a house that is fuller, happier and more magical. Maybe if magic were real we’d have Gabriel here with us.