Month: February 2019

Man. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that, I’d be rich. Like, really rich.

First of all, I will shamelessly admit that part of my life is sponsored by Zoloft and I credit it for allowing me to get out of bed in the morning (and no, I’m not getting paid to say that). Secondly, I do NOT have it all together, nor can I do it all. I try. Man, do I try. I have spent the last three years working full time, taking care of two children with a husband gone half the year, 1500 miles away from any family, struggling with medical issues for myself, Lauren, and of course everything that went along with Gabriel and his heart. While I take pride in the fact that it may appear my life is not a giant perpetual dumpster fire, I can assure you that in any given moment I am one diagnosis, car wreck, unexpected expense, and phone call away from losing it. I am riding the struggle bus right along with every one of you. Sometimes I feel like I’m driving it.

The fact is, no one can do it all. There is only one of me. Just like there is only one of you. I’ve spent the last three years trying to give 100% of me to 100% of the people who rely on me. And y’all, take it from me, it.is.not.sustainable. I cannot prioritize my career without jeopardizing my family life and my own sanity. I cannot be with and give myself to my children 24/7 without jeopardizing…. well, also my own sanity. And even if I could, then I’m not being a very good wife, friend, sister, daughter…you get the point.

It’s been hard, but I have started to realize that I am only one person. There are a finite number of hours in the day, and days in the week. I also realize that the greatest expectations are the ones we set for ourselves. And I am no different. I told Barry a couple of weeks ago that I was thinking of giving notice at my job. Our childcare situation was not reliable, we have several projects for the house before we move, and I began to feel, really feel, how thin I was spreading myself. “Of course, babe. You need to do what’s best for you, everything else will fall into place”. I’m blessed to have the unwavering support from him, but I still wasn’t able to shake the guilt I had about it. I won’t be bringing in money, I will be leaving the hospital during a period of critical need, and will be leaving a work family that I adore. But there I go again, trying to give away more of myself than I currently have.

So starting now, I am going to make a conscious effort to give myself a little bit of grace. I’m going to try to set realistic goals for myself, realizing that some days that might just be that I set aside 10 minutes for a shower. I’m going to allow myself to fail and not let it define me. I will not give into the negative self talk when I do not live up to someone’s (read: my own) expectations. I cannot be everything to everyone, all of the time. And maybe if I stop trying to be, I’ll find that I can actually accomplish more. And hopefully if you’ve ever thought I had my life together more than you, I’ve set the record straight, because I definitely don’t. Not even a little bit.

This is a theme that my need-to-always-be-in-control brain has echoed for the last 10 months or so. My parents would argue, though, it was probably my favorite and most utilized phrase likely since I learned to talk. I guess I’ve always had a sort of obsession with “fairness” and what I perceived as just. Despite being told almost constantly by my parents (in varying tones of voice) “LIFE ISN’T FAIR JESSICA!”, that message never really got through to me. It’s something I still struggle with. Fairness. Or, rather, a lack of fairness. There are a lot of things in life that are not fair. Like when a colleague gets preferential treatment by a boss. Or when someone else takes credit for your work. Or when your baby dies even though you did everything “right”.

I continue to struggle with this ideology that there should be justice. I guess I should have been a lawyer because in healthcare the constant pressure, stress, short staffing and unsafe conditions aren’t going to end. There are millions of nurses like me who want to stand up for what is “right”, both for patients as well as for staff. But that’s just it, fairness is all in perspective. What I perceive as unfair will always aid in meeting someone else’s goal. I see short staffing, others see dollar signs, because that’s their job and that’s their focus.

Even though I still struggle to recognize the fairness in losing our baby, I’m trying to let go of constantly feeling like everything that happens in life needs justification. Some things just happen. Things that are completely out of our control. The way hospitals run are not in my control. Gabriel getting sick was not in my control. What people think of me is not in my control.

What is in my control, though, is how I deal with all of these things that aren’t. I’m not going to change anyones mind when they don’t recognize there is a problem.

Oh, and ruining my kids day with the unfairness of not allowing him to drink chocolate milk in my bed this morning. That was very much in my control, and when he whined that it wasn’t fair I just had to laugh.