This is a theme that my need-to-always-be-in-control brain has echoed for the last 10 months or so. My parents would argue, though, it was probably my favorite and most utilized phrase likely since I learned to talk. I guess I’ve always had a sort of obsession with “fairness” and what I perceived as just. Despite being told almost constantly by my parents (in varying tones of voice) “LIFE ISN’T FAIR JESSICA!”, that message never really got through to me. It’s something I still struggle with. Fairness. Or, rather, a lack of fairness. There are a lot of things in life that are not fair. Like when a colleague gets preferential treatment by a boss. Or when someone else takes credit for your work. Or when your baby dies even though you did everything “right”.
I continue to struggle with this ideology that there should be justice. I guess I should have been a lawyer because in healthcare the constant pressure, stress, short staffing and unsafe conditions aren’t going to end. There are millions of nurses like me who want to stand up for what is “right”, both for patients as well as for staff. But that’s just it, fairness is all in perspective. What I perceive as unfair will always aid in meeting someone else’s goal. I see short staffing, others see dollar signs, because that’s their job and that’s their focus.
Even though I still struggle to recognize the fairness in losing our baby, I’m trying to let go of constantly feeling like everything that happens in life needs justification. Some things just happen. Things that are completely out of our control. The way hospitals run are not in my control. Gabriel getting sick was not in my control. What people think of me is not in my control.
What is in my control, though, is how I deal with all of these things that aren’t. I’m not going to change anyones mind when they don’t recognize there is a problem.
Oh, and ruining my kids day with the unfairness of not allowing him to drink chocolate milk in my bed this morning. That was very much in my control, and when he whined that it wasn’t fair I just had to laugh.