Month: April 2019

I’m a libra. I don’t know if I really believe in the zodiac, but I will subscribe to the theme of balance and it’s importance for harmony in life. I doubt there are many people who really think their life is balanced, and for those of us in the trenches of having and raising babies, building a career, sustaining (and hopefully enhancing and nurturing) a marriage, the idea of a balanced life is kind of a joke. I’m not great at math, but my ability to give 100% to all of those things and still have it add up to 100% is, well, impossible. But in the past few weeks, I’ve really felt my intrinsic scales shift a little bit. Since Barry and I got married in 2011, I’ve been focused on everything but me. We moved in 2011. I started nursing school in 2013. Max was born in 2014. We moved in 2016. Lauren was born in 2017. Gabriel was born and died in 2018. And now it’s 2019, and I’m preparing for our family to move again. But, I also feel like I’m doing okay in the mom department. My kids are happy, healthy, and thriving. We’re busy with appointments and therapies, but Lauren is making tremendous progress and I finally feel as though I can sit back and really find the joy in parenthood. It’s really kind of amazing. I created, grew and birthed these tiny humans and now I get to raise them into smaller, then bigger, then adult humans. I get to impart all my wisdom (ha!), knowledge, love and lessons onto them and I get to watch them grow up. I watch Max run around on the soccer field, and Lauren learn to pull herself up to stand, and every day I wish that Gabriel was here, too. I know I could have absolutely rocked the mom-of-three thing. And I know he would have fit like a puzzle piece into our life. But, it’s okay. I’m okay. And I’m finally comfortable saying that. And beyond saying it out loud, I can say it feels good to finally be in a place where I’m thrilled to be focusing on me. The last few years, and especially the months after Gabriel’s diagnosis, I was giving almost all of myself to him. On top of still working full time myself, my world revolved around doctors, second opinions, research, ultrasounds, echocardiograms and preparing our family for what was to come. I knew there was no semblance of balance in my life. And sometimes, that’s just how it is and you learn to adapt and manage it. I’m finally closing a difficult and deeply painful chapter in our lives and I’m moving onto the next. I’m devoted to losing some stubborn baby weight, to eating healthier, getting into shape, paying off some debt, nurturing my marriage, and raising my babies in the best way I know how. It’s nice that we are also picking up and physically moving to a place where we don’t know anyone. To most that seems scary, but I think it’s a blessing. We can really start over. I know that moving away isn’t going to erase what happened to us while we lived here, and I would never want it to. But there is really something to be said for fresh starts. So, right now, I will enjoy this feeling of balance and the “I got this!” attitude because it’s been a long time coming.