It’s been about two months since we picked up and moved our family from Florida to New Jersey.
The other day, I was sitting at the table with Lauren next to me in her high chair. Maxwell was outside on the patio riding his tricycle. Barry was grilling dinner. Ella was meandering in the backyard. I was sitting there in awe of how amazing our life is; when all of a sudden I got a strong urge to look at pictures of Gabriel.
I have about a dozen photos on my phone that I’ve looked at on a few occasions. I need to get the courage to look at the professional photos that were done at the hospital because the photo of Barry, Gabriel and myself is one I look at with regret. The look on our faces is so somber and depressing. Of course, it was moments after he was born and had begun to die. There wasn’t any real joy for us in that moment. But, looking back at it now I wish that we’d have mustered up at least a small smile.
So there I sat at the table, stuck between being grateful for my amazing life and feeling sorry for myself. I felt sorry that I wouldn’t watch Gabriel learn to ride a tricycle. I felt sorry that Lauren wouldn’t be sandwiched between two brothers to fight for and protect her. I felt sorry that we moved away from the only place Gabriel ever lived. I felt sorry that my heart bursts with love for these two little humans and that I have to keep that same love for Gabriel to myself. I want him to be here with us. I want him to be growing older, to be learning to walk and to talk and to be making messes and crying and doing all of those things that drive every parent crazy.
I struggle these days with trying to keep Gabriel important, relevant, recent. Every day that goes by is a day longer since he was here. And I know that he is important and always will be. I think about him often, especially right before I go to sleep. I talk to him, and so wish that he could somehow talk back. I hear so many stories about loved ones coming back to visit their families. Stories that have absolutely made me believe that it’s not only possible, but probable. It’s hard to know if Gabriel will come back to see us. We knew him (and he us) for such a short period it’s hard to know if we’d even recognize it if it happened.
Maybe someday he will, though. I’ll continue to hope. Time will keep marching on. Our life is really quite amazing and I will always be grateful that we have more than most. It would just be so much better with Gabriel here.
