“Look for the signs”

When Gabriel died, people kept telling me to look for the signs of him here on Earth. I wasn’t even sure I believed in the kind of signs that people wanted me to find. Those who have lost children shared stories of butterflies visiting more often after their kids passed. For some it was dragonflies. Butterflies are kind of the “symbol” used a lot of places for child death and I wanted so badly those first few months to believe that every butterfly I saw was Gabriel. But I realized that I was just trying to force myself to believe in something that didn’t feel genuine. I’ve spent much of the last year thinking that the whole idea of “signs” was just a way for people who have lost loved ones to cope. Maybe it’s something they make up in order to feel better about their loss. And maybe I won’t ever be the recipient of one.

And then, a few weeks ago, I started to see Gabriel’s name. Now, I now it’s not the most uncommon name but it’s also not super common, either. I signed Lauren up for a mommy & me music class on Thursday mornings. We went for the first time last week and had an absolute blast. Afterwards, a few of the parents meet in the playroom and let the kids play and they extended the invite to Lauren and me. Lauren was playing with some toys and I was making small talk with some other moms when I looked up at the chalkboard in the room and noticed “Gabriel” written on it. It took me by surprise and I had a moment of pause to think about it, and think about him. It was strangely comforting and felt much different than all those times I tried to make myself believe that every butterfly that fluttered by was him.

Then, this weekend we were driving to a fall fair/cornmaze/pumpkin patch with the kids and drove by a baseball field where some teenagers were playing. Max pointed and said “hey, look, those kids are playing baseball!. As we got closer, Barry and I turned to each other after simultaneously reading that they field was named “Gabriel Memorial Field”. I mentioned that I had been seeing his name pretty often the past few weeks, and Barry said he had as well. Obviously, the field was there long before Gabriel was born and died, and it’s purely coincidental, but maybe it’s not coincidental that we drove by it that day. As we approach his birthday, the importance of keeping him with us and keeping his memory alive keeps growing. The feeling of peace when I see his name makes me wonder if that’s his way of saying hello to us. I don’t see his name and get sad, surprisingly, but instead it makes me smile. And maybe now I’m the person who is making stuff up in my head to make myself feel better. Maybe it’s all a coincidence. Or maybe it’s my sweet baby saying hello and making sure we know he is here with us.

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