Happy Birthday Gabriel

Today is Gabriel’s birthday. It’s been one year since we met him and since we said goodbye. It feels like the shortest but also the longest year of my life. I still remember holding him, touching his perfect nose, and kissing his forehead. I hope I never forget what it felt like to hold him. Unfortunately I also remember the tears and the heartache we felt for the months leading up to his birth and for the days after his death. I know I won’t ever forget that.

This morning I told Maxwell that today was Gabriel’s birthday. He looked at me and said “Mom, I wish he was here with us”. Our great friend Diana brought over a wind chime after Gabriel died that she wrote “For Gabriel” on, and that chimes “Amazing Grace”. After he told me he misses Gabriel and wishes he was here, he said “but we have that music thing that sings in the wind and it makes me think of him every day when I hear it”. Isn’t that amazing? I admire the ability of kids that can say things that are so comforting to those around them, despite being so innocent and green about the world around them.

One of my biggest fears in losing Gabriel was how Maxwell was going to handle it. He was almost 5 and it weighed so heavily on me. I didn’t know how to explain the situation so that he could understand and I didn’t want him to feel the same emptiness that I knew we would inevitably feel after Gabriel died. But, when Max walked in to meet Gabriel a year ago today, his smile lit up a room that was dark and devastating. He just wanted to hug and hold his brother. He knew that Gabriel was sick and that he wouldn’t be coming home with us, but in that moment he didn’t care. His eagerness to love and find joy in a moment where Barry and I couldn’t was an experience and feeling I won’t ever forget. All of our kids have taught us valuable lessons and I think that having them has made me a better human.

Happy Birthday, Gabriel. XOXO