Every so often as I lie down to go to bed, Gabriel crosses my mind. In that moment, I am flooded with the memories I have of him. There are not many. Some nights, I can picture him in my arms and can smell his new baby smell. Some nights, all I can see is his agonal breathing as his tiny imperfect heart began to fail. Other nights, I can hear the nurse’s voice saying “he’s a feisty one!”. My Gabriel, feisty, even as he was dying. I am overwhelmed with a deep sadness, knowing that he never had the opportunity to grow and to show us the big personality he would undoubtedly have had. I wonder if I could have pushed harder for intervention at 17 weeks in Boston, fully knowing that feelings and patient desires don’t dictate medical care. It isn’t often that I allow the “what if’s” to cross my mind because I know that they’re of no consequence now.
But, what if. What if I had three running, screaming, and wild kids in my house instead of two? More chaos, bigger grocery and childcare bills, a bigger vehicle. More stress, more frustration, more juggling all of the things I’m already not handling very well as it is. Even if Gabriel were here, his heart would still be sick, and this global pandemic we’re currently navigating would have had the potential to take him from us. So, I’m not sure which is worse. Saying goodbye so soon after meeting him, or having him with us for weeks, months, or years and having him ripped away.
Maxwell still talks about him quite frequently. He tells me that he wishes Gabriel were here. He wishes we had “another baby in the house”. He told me that it makes him sad knowing that when he grows up he will only have one sister and that he wishes Gabriel’s heart wasn’t sick so he could be here with us. He sees butterflies and ladybugs and tells me that it’s Gabriel visiting us to say hi. I am soaking up all this childhood innocence because it is in those moments that I realize I have healed and coped through my children. Adults can be awkward, and it feels forced to talk about Gabriel to people who are not our family. But Maxwell… he just causally brings G up in conversation and it is so refreshing when he does. But then, I inevitably start to think about the what if’s knowing how perfectly he would have fit into our family.